Portugal's Salvador Sobral Wins EUROVISION 2017

Another year of Eurovision, the international song contest that has been around since 1956, is now in the books.

Every year, an array of countries who fall within the "European Broadcasting Union" pick original songs and artists to represent them in Eurovision competition. In the 1950s, the field was limited to a dozen nations in Western Europe, but by now, the number is up to 46, including Eastern Europe, Eurasia and even Australia. It's generally a fizzy-pop extravaganza, with over-the-top performances punctuated by columns of fire, smoke, lasers, video projections, wind machines, wacky dance moves, eye-searing costumes, even shiny robots in strange headgear, an adorable group of grannies and a kinda/sorta vampire.

Ukraine was the host this time out since they won last year and they chose Kiev as the site. The theme was "Celebrate Diversity," even though the hosts were three white guys, which created some controversy.

Salvador Sobral with his Eurovision trophy

With a new (and apparently more complicated) scoring system in place, Portugal took the crown for the first time ever, with Salvador Sobral singing a sweet love song called "Amar pelos dois" or "Loving For The Both of Us." It's a melancholy, haunting ballad in the Portuguese Fado style, sung simply and softly, with no major frills in terms of explosions or milkmaids or disco balls. Not a driving dance beat to be found! And it's in Portuguese, which is unusual, since most of the songs entered are in English.

Bulgaria and Kristian Kostov's "Beautiful Mess" came in second, with Moldova, Belgium, Sweden, Italy, Romania, Hungary, Australia and Norway finishing out the Top Ten. There were plenty of unique (some might even say bizarre) choices, like Romania's yodel/rap/pop entry, "Yodel It!" by Ilinica featuring Alex Florea and Moldova's "Hey Mamma" performed by the Sunstroke Project featuring an "Epic Sax Guy" named Sergey Stepanov, just to keep you in a more typical Eurovision frame of mind.

Next year... Lisbon! In the meantime, it would be lovely if Sobral (and his sister, who wrote the song) get some international attention.

Hook Up the Disco Ball! It's Time for EUROVISION 2016!!!!

In case you have no friends in Europe who are into this sort of thing (and trust me, a lot of people in Europe -- and Australia and Israel -- are into Eurovision) let me just say that this super-poppy, super-competitive song blazes across Europe once a year. In the past, if you were in the United States and you wanted to see it, you had to watch on the Eurovision webpage or Youtube. But this year, for the first time, the Grand Final will actually be broadcast in the U.S. on the LOGO channel. Get ready, because the 26 performances -- singers flanked by dancers, projections, flames, lasers, sparkles, more lights than the Las Vegas Strip -- will begin at 2 pm Central time on LOGO.

Eurovision is all about the over-the-top, the intensely tacky, the intentionally wacky. And a whole lot of power ballads. Its most famous winners were ABBA, who won for Sweden in 1974 with "Waterloo," and Celine Dion, who sang something called "Ne partez pas sans moi" for Switzerland in 1988. The first winner, back in 1956, was also Switzerland, with "Refrain," sung by Lys Assia.

Other winners of note include Lordi, a supposedly heavy metal band from Finland who were covered in costumes that wouldn't have looked out of place in Battleship Earth, Ruslana, a beautiful woman representing Ukraine who wore torn bits of leather and fur for her performance of "Wild Dances," and in 2014, a man who competed for Austria under the name Conchita Wurst with an outfit that combined a beard and an evening gown. 

This year's favorite is Russia, with Sergey Lazarev singing "You Are the Only One," accompanied by projections of giant wings and what I think may be ice chunks that he climbs. Ukraine, which has a strongly political song called "1944," sung by a Crimean Tatar named Jamala, is also in the final and expected to do well, as is Australia, whose Dami Im is singing "Sound of Silence."

Sweden is the defending champ, which is why this year's festivities are in Stockholm. Sweden's 2016 entry is a teenager named Frans offering the earnest "If I Were Sorry."

Eurovision! (Spoiler: Sweden Wins.)

I don't get Eurovision. By that, I don't mean that it isn't broadcast in the US and therefore doesn't play on my television, although it isn't and it doesn't. No, I mean I just don't understand it.

It's a singing competition, or more precisely, a song competition. Different countries (members of the European Broadcasting Union, which means they don't actually have to be in Europe) ranging from Iceland to Ireland and Israel, from Georgia to Germany to Greece, enter songs and singers to represent them, with the nominated songs competing in various levels until some 36 emerge to sing in a big international hullabaloo. The competition is produced by whichever country won last year, and it's broadcast to all of the other entered countries, where "televoters" and music experts stand by to vote for the ones they like best. (The general public's votes count for 50% and the experts, or juries, also count for 50%.) No, they can't vote for their country's entry. But they can and do vote for their neighbors and traditional pals.

This whole thing started out in 1956 as a post-war European reconciliation effort, with only seven countries competing. This year, 42 different countries participated, with 36 singers or acts sent to the city of Baku in Azerbaijan and 26 of those advancing to the Grand Final to sing their little hearts out and vie for the Eurovision prize.

Although many Americans have never heard of Eurovision, it has created stars, including ABBA, who won for Sweden in 1974, launching themselves into the international music scene, and Celine Dion, who is, of course, from Canada, but won the competition singing (in French) for Switzerland in 1988. The acts vary from crazy dance pop acts (Verka Seduchka has to be seen to be believed) to monster metal (Lordi) to folkish ditties to turgid power ballads to this year's Grannies from Russia who baked bread during their performance. Oh, and poor old Englebert Humperdinck, who got trotted out by the United Kingdom this year in a move which seems to be saying "Heaven forfend we win because we don't have the cash to host this thing next year, so let's get ol' Humperdinck out of storage and send him to Azerbaijan. He'll go anywhere."

Humperdinck and his song, "Love Will Set You Free," came in 25th among the 26 acts in the Grand Final. Which means Norway's Tooji, who started out wearing a hoodie that partially covered his face, is probably really ticked he came in 26th and couldn't even beat a fossil like Englebert Humperdinck. Maybe he didn't go far enough in the facial covering department, since Lithuania's Donny Montell sang half his song wearing a blindfold and he made it to #14.

But enough about the bottom of the card. At the top of the list this year was Sweden's Loreen, with a whole lot of hair (and very shaggy bangs) and a song ("Euphoria") that seemed like a combination of Celine Dion, Steven Tyler and... And Michael Bolton? With a little Bjork for good measure. Pretentious power ballad with a dance beat wins the day!

Loreen (her name is pronounced something like Lor-AY-in) seems to perform in a self-absorbed trance state. As well as a snowstorm. With flowy clothes, arm-flinging and hair-flinging (usually flung over her face -- there is some sort of trend for facial covering here, isn't there?) and a wind machine. So there's that. She got 372 points, well ahead of the second-place Russian Grannies (the group's real name is Buranovskiye Babushki, which means Grandmas from Buranovo, and their song was something called "Party for Everybody") who got 259.

Sweden's Loreen, flinging hair and sleeves to the far winds.

Loreen and her "Euphoria" got first-place points from 18 different countries, which is pretty much of a slam dunk. The Grannies took only one first-place, from friendly neighbor Belarus. (In other news, I would totally buy their wares if they started their own fashion line.)

Adorable Buranovskiye Babushki

Third place went to Serbia and perennial contender Željko Joksimović, a crooner who sang "Nije Ljubav Stvar," which translates to "Love Is Not an Object" in English. "Nije Ljubav Stvar" earned Serbia 214 points.

So that's all there is for Eurovision 2012. Next year, all these crazy kids, crooners, acrobats and assorted wind machines will assemble in Sweden to do it all over again.