My "Spoilers" for TV in 2014

Looking ahead into 2014, we expect things to continue to be crazy, outrageous and unbelievable on our favorite TV shows. That's part of why we keep tuning in, right? Since they've already filmed their episodes, even the most secretive shows have given hints to what's coming. Some of it is pretty mysterious and some just plain annoying. I think my crystal ball is a lot more fun (and a lot more satisfying) than the real deal, anyway. So here are my faux spoilers -- foilers, if you prefer -- to answer some of the burning questions left behind when we last saw our favorite shows.

AMERICAN IDOL

Cliffhanger: How will American Idol come back from drooping ratings, limp tour sales and unpleasant, unwatchable judges?  
A Modest Proposal: Runners-up Clay Aiken, Lauren Alaina, David Archuleta, Bo Bice, Crystal Bowersox, Diana DeGarmo, Justin Guarini, Kree Harrison, Adam Lambert, Blake Lewis, Katharine McPhee and Jessica Sanchez fight it out Hunger Games style to see who wins the right to perform in a live broadcast of Li'l Abner on NBC at Christmastime. Everyone sings either "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" or "Against All Odds" every week with the lowest vote getter blasted into space, thrown into a pit with hungry tigers or some other appropriate fate. "Judges" J-Lo, Keith Urban and Harry Connick Jr. get to decide which trial is best for which loser.

BLACKLIST

Cliffhanger: Why the heck is Red so interested in Liz? He must be her dad, right? And what is the deal with her husband?
My answer: Red is not Liz's father. He is Tom's father!

GENERAL HOSPITAL

 Cliffhangers: Sonny's in jail because his idiot kid Morgan shot the bodyguard and Sonny took the rap. Robin is back from the dead. And Sabrina is preggers.

My solution: A special flesh-eating bacteria geared to specific DNA, created by Obrecht, takes out Sonny, Carly, Morgan and every reference to Jason remaining in Port Charles. You know, tombstones, leather jackets, motorcycles... This is a very specific and targeted bacteria. Oh, and Sam's son Danny is really another product of a Dante-and-Lulu embryo, so he's fine. Sabrina is really Sonny's child from Lily, who wasn't as dead as she seemed but is now, so Sabs is a goner. Robin and Patrick shed one small tear but are otherwise happy. Emma writes a children's book called "Didgeridoo & You," dedicated to her granddad.

THE GOOD WIFE

Cliffhanger: It's been rough sailing for new firm Florrick Agos as the old one, Lockhart Gardner, won't let go, including all kinds of dirty tricks, crimes and misdemeanors. And the Governor's Ethics chick is preggers.

The perfect pay-off: Florrick Agos hires Bob Benson away from Sterling Cooper & Partners to make a brand new combo law firm/ad agency called Florrick Agos Benson, or FAB. Bob Benson takes care of that little Damian Boyle problem in about three seconds. As for the father of the Ethics chick's baby, I don't care, as long as she goes far, far away.

HOMELAND

Cliffhanger: Brody was executed. Saul left government service. And Claire is preggers.

What Should Happen: Brody isn't dead. Claire is pregnant, but when Brody tracks her down, she swears it isn't his. She says it's Saul's!

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

Cliffhanger: Marshall finally arrived. The mother sent Ted a drink. (You call that a cliff-hanger? This plot is proceeding so slowly Marshall and Lily will be grandparents before we actually see anybody at the altar.)

Happily Ever After: Barney leaves Robin at the altar and she really isn't all that sorry considering what an emotionally stunted cretin he is. Meanwhile, we see a LOT more of the Mother, filling up all that screen time left after Barney's departure.

NASHVILLE

Cliffhanger: Teddy's looney tunes wife was shot down. Will was staring down a train, trying to decide whether to off himself because he is living a lie.

The Flip Side: Yeah, I don't care about Teddy or his wife, either. Will is saved by the man of his dreams, Luke Wheeler, who admits that he, too, is gay and the two of them can chart a path together. Deacon's new solo career goes gangbusters, especially when he has a megahit single with his daughter Maddie. Now that she knows the truth about Luke, Rayna hankers in Deacon's direction. Scarlett goes on the road with Gunnar, both pretending it's professional only. Juliette and Avery get together while Scarlett is away, and the two of them become a real power duo. Scarlett and Gunnar sort of wander back together without really paying attention. "Oh, look. We're a couple. How did that happen?"

ONCE UPON A TIME

Cliffhanger: Everybody got booted back to the Enchanted Forest. Everybody except Emma and Henry, who were sent to live as a normal life in NYC without any memory of Storybrooke.

The Next Chapter: Emma awakes from hot (and inexplicable, to her) pirate dreams to find out that Henry hears a Who. Who? I'm going with one of the Seven Dwarfs, reduced to 1/100th his normal size and stuck on a dandelion in Central Park. When the Who calls, it will pull Emma and Henry away from their boring real world and back to the Enchanted Forest pronto.

PARKS AND RECREATION

Cliffhanger: Leslie got fired, sending her back to Parks & Rec. Ditto Ben, who flirted with a job as an accountant before also going back to Parks & Rec. Ann and Chris left town.

Justice: Councilman Jamm gets jammed between a giant tooth and a giant toothbrush at a dental conference, getting brushed a little too roughly. He ends up in a coma. Jerry/Garry/Larry is appointed to fill his position. Leslie now has her way with the City Council due to her inside man, Jerry/Garry/Larry. Ben sells his Cones of Dunshire game to German game company Hans im Glück and wins the Spiel des Jahres for it. He also makes a lot of money, which allows Leslie and Ben to buy Sweetums, bringing back Sweetums heir Bobby Newport (Paul Rudd) who must now work as their butler in the wake of his brother, Nick Newport Jr., running off with stepmom Jessica Wicks and taking the Sweetums spokesdog, Shoelace. Nick Jr.'s supposed children Denver and Dakota are revealed to be fakes, anyway

REVENGE

 Cliffhanger: Emily got shot and dumped in the sea at her own wedding.

 Coming Attractions: Previews tells us Emily is alive and in a hospital, suffering from (dun dun dun) AMNESIA. Well, I say she doesn't have amnesia. Which means she's faking it because she wants REVENGE again.

SCANDAL

Cliffhanger: Olivia's mom is alive and back in DC. She's also probably BAD. Quinn went over to the dark side after some dental work from Huck. Jake replaced Olivia's dad at the top of B6-13. Cyrus is back together -- sort of -- with his husband. And the Vice President murdered her husband for sleeping with Cyrus's.

What's Next: Huck gives up the torture biz and helps Jake take down B6-13 from the inside. The VP is bonkers and her job will be taken by... Cyrus! Fitz isn't the real Fitz. When he was sent to Iceland to shoot down that plane, the Russians stole the real Fitz and replaced him with a lookalike mole. Olivia's mum was in on it and now she's the only one who can out him. Well, except for the REAL Fitz. When he shows up, everything is up in the air. Who's President? Who's in love with Liv? Who's the father of Mellie's children? Well, probably Big Jerry.

I can't wait to see if any of this actually happens. Wouldn't that be amusing?

Fall Heats Up: Tons of TV Premieres Tomorrow

Sunday has become a hot night for television, with biggies like The Amazing Race, Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey, The Good Wife, Homeland, Mad Men, Once Upon a Time, Revenge and The Simpsons finding space there. And tomorrow... A whole lot of your favorites are launching their fall seasons.

On ABC, Once Upon a Time comes back, taking us to Neverland in pursuit of little Henry, who was kidnapped at the end of last season. Snow White and Prince Charming (, as well as Evil Queen Regina, Rumplestiltskin, Captain Hook and Emma, Snow and Charming's daughter, are on board for Neverland adventures. Henry's dad, sometimes whileand Belle, the one who goes with the Beast, stayed back in Storybrooke. But everybody should be mixing it up with villainous mermaids and a nasty and dangerous version of Peter Pan as we move into Once Upon a Time, season 3. Look for the special two-hour premiere beginning at 6 Central time on ABC.

Revenge also shows up for its Season 3 premiere on ABC, followed by a new show called Betrayal that is trying to capture the Revenge spirit, maybe with a soupcon of Scandal for good measure.. On Revenge, Emily let the cat out of the bag about really being Amanda at the end of last season, and she's getting married to Daniel as this one starts. Everybody's lives are complicated when Victoria's much-beloved (maybe too beloved?) son Patrick, played by Justin Hartley, shows up. And Betrayal mixes sex, politics, murder and an illicit love affair between a defense lawyer and a prosecutor's wife. They're both married, and who they're married to makes their affair a whole lot more complicated when the two attorneys take opposite sides of a very high-profile murder case.

The Good Wife, season 5

Over on CBS, it's time for The Amazing Race to take off from the starting line for its 23rd season. I'm not making that up. They've raced around the world 23 times now, winning nine Emmys in the Best Reality Competition Program category. The first leg of this season's race will be followed by the season premieres of The Good Wife and The Mentalist, at 8 and 9 Central time respectively. Alicia (Juliana Margulies) is jumping ship from Lockhart/Gardner to create a new firm with Cary and the ill-treated associates. "Everything Is Ending" is the name of the premiere episode, the one that begins the war between Alicia and her Lockhart/Gardner boss, Will, who also happens to be her ex-lover. And what about husband Peter now that he won his election?

Showtime is starting up its espionage thriller Homeland for its third season, showing what happens "during the aftermath of the horrific terror attack that decimated the U.S. intelligence apparatus and prompted a global manhunt for the world's most wanted terrorist, Nick Brody (Damien Lewis). As Carrie (Claire Danes) and Saul (Mandy Patinkin) begin to pick up the pieces of their shattered professional and personal lives, they are swept up in the political and media firestorm surrounding the terror attack and the subsequent search for Brody's whereabouts." The aftermath begins at 8 Central, followed by a new show called Masters of Sex, starring British actor Michael Sheen and American Lizzy Caplan as Masters and Johnson, the trailblazing duo -- he was a fertility expert and she was a twice-divorced single mother -- who became famous for their research into human sexuality starting in the late 50s.

And on HBO, you'll find another new series, this one a comedy called Hello Ladies, about a hapless web designer who moves from England to LA and begins a desperate search for love and romance. Or at least a date. The web designer looking to get it on with the ladies is played Stephen Merchant, Ricky Gervais's frequent collaborator and co-creator of the original British version of The Office, who recently went viral after a lip sync contest on Jimmy Fallon's Late Night. He's tall, he's spindly, he's affable, and he does a heck of a job on Beyonce's "Single Ladies," but the New York Times called his new show "mortifying and melancholy, played out against a tinselly, soft-jazz vision of nighttime Hollywood." If mortifying and melancholy is your thing, Hello Ladies may be just what you're looking for. Merchant's dating games begin at 9:30 pm Central time on HBO.

If your DVR is already overloaded, you'll still need to make room for the 75-minute series finale of Breaking Bad at 8 Central time on AMC. It's all over. Breaking Bad will be broken, one way or the other.