My "Spoilers" for TV in 2014

Looking ahead into 2014, we expect things to continue to be crazy, outrageous and unbelievable on our favorite TV shows. That's part of why we keep tuning in, right? Since they've already filmed their episodes, even the most secretive shows have given hints to what's coming. Some of it is pretty mysterious and some just plain annoying. I think my crystal ball is a lot more fun (and a lot more satisfying) than the real deal, anyway. So here are my faux spoilers -- foilers, if you prefer -- to answer some of the burning questions left behind when we last saw our favorite shows.

AMERICAN IDOL

Cliffhanger: How will American Idol come back from drooping ratings, limp tour sales and unpleasant, unwatchable judges?  
A Modest Proposal: Runners-up Clay Aiken, Lauren Alaina, David Archuleta, Bo Bice, Crystal Bowersox, Diana DeGarmo, Justin Guarini, Kree Harrison, Adam Lambert, Blake Lewis, Katharine McPhee and Jessica Sanchez fight it out Hunger Games style to see who wins the right to perform in a live broadcast of Li'l Abner on NBC at Christmastime. Everyone sings either "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" or "Against All Odds" every week with the lowest vote getter blasted into space, thrown into a pit with hungry tigers or some other appropriate fate. "Judges" J-Lo, Keith Urban and Harry Connick Jr. get to decide which trial is best for which loser.

BLACKLIST

Cliffhanger: Why the heck is Red so interested in Liz? He must be her dad, right? And what is the deal with her husband?
My answer: Red is not Liz's father. He is Tom's father!

GENERAL HOSPITAL

 Cliffhangers: Sonny's in jail because his idiot kid Morgan shot the bodyguard and Sonny took the rap. Robin is back from the dead. And Sabrina is preggers.

My solution: A special flesh-eating bacteria geared to specific DNA, created by Obrecht, takes out Sonny, Carly, Morgan and every reference to Jason remaining in Port Charles. You know, tombstones, leather jackets, motorcycles... This is a very specific and targeted bacteria. Oh, and Sam's son Danny is really another product of a Dante-and-Lulu embryo, so he's fine. Sabrina is really Sonny's child from Lily, who wasn't as dead as she seemed but is now, so Sabs is a goner. Robin and Patrick shed one small tear but are otherwise happy. Emma writes a children's book called "Didgeridoo & You," dedicated to her granddad.

THE GOOD WIFE

Cliffhanger: It's been rough sailing for new firm Florrick Agos as the old one, Lockhart Gardner, won't let go, including all kinds of dirty tricks, crimes and misdemeanors. And the Governor's Ethics chick is preggers.

The perfect pay-off: Florrick Agos hires Bob Benson away from Sterling Cooper & Partners to make a brand new combo law firm/ad agency called Florrick Agos Benson, or FAB. Bob Benson takes care of that little Damian Boyle problem in about three seconds. As for the father of the Ethics chick's baby, I don't care, as long as she goes far, far away.

HOMELAND

Cliffhanger: Brody was executed. Saul left government service. And Claire is preggers.

What Should Happen: Brody isn't dead. Claire is pregnant, but when Brody tracks her down, she swears it isn't his. She says it's Saul's!

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

Cliffhanger: Marshall finally arrived. The mother sent Ted a drink. (You call that a cliff-hanger? This plot is proceeding so slowly Marshall and Lily will be grandparents before we actually see anybody at the altar.)

Happily Ever After: Barney leaves Robin at the altar and she really isn't all that sorry considering what an emotionally stunted cretin he is. Meanwhile, we see a LOT more of the Mother, filling up all that screen time left after Barney's departure.

NASHVILLE

Cliffhanger: Teddy's looney tunes wife was shot down. Will was staring down a train, trying to decide whether to off himself because he is living a lie.

The Flip Side: Yeah, I don't care about Teddy or his wife, either. Will is saved by the man of his dreams, Luke Wheeler, who admits that he, too, is gay and the two of them can chart a path together. Deacon's new solo career goes gangbusters, especially when he has a megahit single with his daughter Maddie. Now that she knows the truth about Luke, Rayna hankers in Deacon's direction. Scarlett goes on the road with Gunnar, both pretending it's professional only. Juliette and Avery get together while Scarlett is away, and the two of them become a real power duo. Scarlett and Gunnar sort of wander back together without really paying attention. "Oh, look. We're a couple. How did that happen?"

ONCE UPON A TIME

Cliffhanger: Everybody got booted back to the Enchanted Forest. Everybody except Emma and Henry, who were sent to live as a normal life in NYC without any memory of Storybrooke.

The Next Chapter: Emma awakes from hot (and inexplicable, to her) pirate dreams to find out that Henry hears a Who. Who? I'm going with one of the Seven Dwarfs, reduced to 1/100th his normal size and stuck on a dandelion in Central Park. When the Who calls, it will pull Emma and Henry away from their boring real world and back to the Enchanted Forest pronto.

PARKS AND RECREATION

Cliffhanger: Leslie got fired, sending her back to Parks & Rec. Ditto Ben, who flirted with a job as an accountant before also going back to Parks & Rec. Ann and Chris left town.

Justice: Councilman Jamm gets jammed between a giant tooth and a giant toothbrush at a dental conference, getting brushed a little too roughly. He ends up in a coma. Jerry/Garry/Larry is appointed to fill his position. Leslie now has her way with the City Council due to her inside man, Jerry/Garry/Larry. Ben sells his Cones of Dunshire game to German game company Hans im Glück and wins the Spiel des Jahres for it. He also makes a lot of money, which allows Leslie and Ben to buy Sweetums, bringing back Sweetums heir Bobby Newport (Paul Rudd) who must now work as their butler in the wake of his brother, Nick Newport Jr., running off with stepmom Jessica Wicks and taking the Sweetums spokesdog, Shoelace. Nick Jr.'s supposed children Denver and Dakota are revealed to be fakes, anyway

REVENGE

 Cliffhanger: Emily got shot and dumped in the sea at her own wedding.

 Coming Attractions: Previews tells us Emily is alive and in a hospital, suffering from (dun dun dun) AMNESIA. Well, I say she doesn't have amnesia. Which means she's faking it because she wants REVENGE again.

SCANDAL

Cliffhanger: Olivia's mom is alive and back in DC. She's also probably BAD. Quinn went over to the dark side after some dental work from Huck. Jake replaced Olivia's dad at the top of B6-13. Cyrus is back together -- sort of -- with his husband. And the Vice President murdered her husband for sleeping with Cyrus's.

What's Next: Huck gives up the torture biz and helps Jake take down B6-13 from the inside. The VP is bonkers and her job will be taken by... Cyrus! Fitz isn't the real Fitz. When he was sent to Iceland to shoot down that plane, the Russians stole the real Fitz and replaced him with a lookalike mole. Olivia's mum was in on it and now she's the only one who can out him. Well, except for the REAL Fitz. When he shows up, everything is up in the air. Who's President? Who's in love with Liv? Who's the father of Mellie's children? Well, probably Big Jerry.

I can't wait to see if any of this actually happens. Wouldn't that be amusing?

Fall Heats Up: Tons of TV Premieres Tomorrow

Sunday has become a hot night for television, with biggies like The Amazing Race, Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey, The Good Wife, Homeland, Mad Men, Once Upon a Time, Revenge and The Simpsons finding space there. And tomorrow... A whole lot of your favorites are launching their fall seasons.

On ABC, Once Upon a Time comes back, taking us to Neverland in pursuit of little Henry, who was kidnapped at the end of last season. Snow White and Prince Charming (, as well as Evil Queen Regina, Rumplestiltskin, Captain Hook and Emma, Snow and Charming's daughter, are on board for Neverland adventures. Henry's dad, sometimes whileand Belle, the one who goes with the Beast, stayed back in Storybrooke. But everybody should be mixing it up with villainous mermaids and a nasty and dangerous version of Peter Pan as we move into Once Upon a Time, season 3. Look for the special two-hour premiere beginning at 6 Central time on ABC.

Revenge also shows up for its Season 3 premiere on ABC, followed by a new show called Betrayal that is trying to capture the Revenge spirit, maybe with a soupcon of Scandal for good measure.. On Revenge, Emily let the cat out of the bag about really being Amanda at the end of last season, and she's getting married to Daniel as this one starts. Everybody's lives are complicated when Victoria's much-beloved (maybe too beloved?) son Patrick, played by Justin Hartley, shows up. And Betrayal mixes sex, politics, murder and an illicit love affair between a defense lawyer and a prosecutor's wife. They're both married, and who they're married to makes their affair a whole lot more complicated when the two attorneys take opposite sides of a very high-profile murder case.

The Good Wife, season 5

Over on CBS, it's time for The Amazing Race to take off from the starting line for its 23rd season. I'm not making that up. They've raced around the world 23 times now, winning nine Emmys in the Best Reality Competition Program category. The first leg of this season's race will be followed by the season premieres of The Good Wife and The Mentalist, at 8 and 9 Central time respectively. Alicia (Juliana Margulies) is jumping ship from Lockhart/Gardner to create a new firm with Cary and the ill-treated associates. "Everything Is Ending" is the name of the premiere episode, the one that begins the war between Alicia and her Lockhart/Gardner boss, Will, who also happens to be her ex-lover. And what about husband Peter now that he won his election?

Showtime is starting up its espionage thriller Homeland for its third season, showing what happens "during the aftermath of the horrific terror attack that decimated the U.S. intelligence apparatus and prompted a global manhunt for the world's most wanted terrorist, Nick Brody (Damien Lewis). As Carrie (Claire Danes) and Saul (Mandy Patinkin) begin to pick up the pieces of their shattered professional and personal lives, they are swept up in the political and media firestorm surrounding the terror attack and the subsequent search for Brody's whereabouts." The aftermath begins at 8 Central, followed by a new show called Masters of Sex, starring British actor Michael Sheen and American Lizzy Caplan as Masters and Johnson, the trailblazing duo -- he was a fertility expert and she was a twice-divorced single mother -- who became famous for their research into human sexuality starting in the late 50s.

And on HBO, you'll find another new series, this one a comedy called Hello Ladies, about a hapless web designer who moves from England to LA and begins a desperate search for love and romance. Or at least a date. The web designer looking to get it on with the ladies is played Stephen Merchant, Ricky Gervais's frequent collaborator and co-creator of the original British version of The Office, who recently went viral after a lip sync contest on Jimmy Fallon's Late Night. He's tall, he's spindly, he's affable, and he does a heck of a job on Beyonce's "Single Ladies," but the New York Times called his new show "mortifying and melancholy, played out against a tinselly, soft-jazz vision of nighttime Hollywood." If mortifying and melancholy is your thing, Hello Ladies may be just what you're looking for. Merchant's dating games begin at 9:30 pm Central time on HBO.

If your DVR is already overloaded, you'll still need to make room for the 75-minute series finale of Breaking Bad at 8 Central time on AMC. It's all over. Breaking Bad will be broken, one way or the other.

DOWNTON ABBEY, ONCE UPON A TIME and Lots More TV Back This Week

It's the time of the season for TV.  Mostly returning TV, but a few premieres are sneaking in here, too. So if you're sick of all the reruns or can't wait one minute longer to see what's happening on your favorite show after a cliffhanger in November or December... You just may be in luck. If, like me, you're waiting for Mad Men, Arrested Development and Parks and Recreation, you'll have to wait a little longer.

Downton Abbey, back January 6 with Season 3

In the meantime, this weekend we get Downton Abbey, giving us Season 3 of adventures for the aristocratic Crawley family and their servants, as well as the entrance of Shirley MacLaine as the big bad American mother-in-law. And Once Upon a Time, with Captain Hook and the evil Queen of Hearts storming into town on a pirate ship.

And two new shows begin early next week, with Deception, which looks like NBC's version of Revenge, on Monday, and The Abolitionists, a mini-series on PBS about the people working to end slavery in America, on Tuesday. NBC's 1600 Penn is new, too, but already sneaked its premiere episode in December. One small note about Deception: The murder victim at the center of the story is played by One Life to Live's former Jessica Buchanan, Bree Williamson. Let's hope playing a dead girl works out as well for her as it did for Amanda Seyfried, who was the late Lilly Kane on Veronica Mars before breaking big.

Note that ABC's Happy Endings and Don't Trust the B are opening their seasons in odd Sunday time slots, but will return to their regular Tuesday locations this week as well. NBC's The Biggest Loser also has two shows this week, with a Sunday special premiere and a regular Monday show.

Oh, and Chicago Fire, Elementary, Law & Order: SVU, Parenthood, Person of Interest and The Big Bang Theory are already back, so if those are your shows, you'd better already be tuned in.

Here's what coming up (and coming back) this week:

Friday, January 4: Last Man Standing (ABC, 7 pm), Malibu Country (ABC, 7:30 pm), CSI:New York (CBS, 8 pm), Blue Bloods (CBS, 9 pm), Merlin (Syfy, 9 pm)

Saturday, January 5: Austin City Limits (PBS, check local listings for time)

Sunday, January 6: Once Upon a Time (ABC, 7 pm), Bob's Burgers (Fox, 7:30 pm), The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8 pm), Downton Abbey (PBS, 8 pm), Family Guy (Fox, 8 pm), The Good Wife (CBS, 8 pm), Revenge (ABC, 8 pm), American Dad (Fox, 8:30 pm), Happy Endings (ABC, 9 pm), Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (ABC, 9:30 pm),

Monday, January 7: Antiques Roadshow (PBS, 7 pm), The Bachelor (ABC, 7 pm), Switched at Birth (ABC Family, 7 pm), Bunheads (ABC Family, 8 pm), Castle (ABC, 9 pm), Deception (NBC, 9 pm)

Tuesday, January 8: NCIS (CBS, 7 pm), Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family, 7 pm),  Raising Hope (Fox, 7 pm), Ben and Kate (Fox, 7:30 pm), The Abolitionists (PBS, 8 pm), Go On (NBC, 8 pm), Justified (FX, 8 pm), The Lying Game (ABC Family, 8 pm), NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS, 8 pm),  New Girl (Fox, 8 pm),  The Mindy Project (Fox, 8:30 pm), The New Normal (NBC, 8:30 pm),  Cougar Town (TBS, 9 pm), Private Practice (ABC, 9 pm), Vegas (CBS, 9 pm)

Wednesday, Jan 9: The Middle (ABC, 7 pm), The Neighbors (ABC, 7:30 pm), Modern Family (ABC, 8 pm), Suburgatory (ABC, 8:30 pm), Nashville (ABC, 9 pm)

Thursday, Jan 10: 30 Rock (NBC, 7 pm), Grey's Anatomy (ABC, 8 pm), The Office (NBC, 8 pm), 1600 Penn (NBC, 8:30 pm), Scandal (ABC, 9 pm)

For more information about any of these shows, click the link under the show's name.

"Once Upon a Time" Is Back, Sans Curse, Avec Magic

When we last saw the residents of Storybrooke on ABC's Once Upon a Time, they had just lifted the Evil Queen's curse, meaning they all suddenly knew they'd once been fairytale characters in an alternate world. Boom! Zap! Young Henry was revived by love after eating a poisoned apple, Snow White and Prince Charming remembered who they were and ran into each other's arms, and Belle found her way back to her Beast, who happened to be Rumpelstiltskin.

But lots of questions remained about how the town and its assorted fairies, dwarves, witches, princes, princesses, werewolves, puppets, crickets and one very Mad Hatter would be affected by the end of the curse and the rolling purple smoke now filling the town.

Tonight, Once Upon a Time came back, complete with the magic unleashed by Rumpelstiltskin. So what does that mean?

Well, we got to see Emma, the take-no-prisoners real woman who'd started Storybrooke's clock ticking again, reunited with her parents, Snow and Charming, who appear about the same age as Emma because time was stopped in Storybrooke while she was growing up in the outside world. They didn't fuss about that weirdness for too long, though. Mostly they just deferred any explanations till later, since they had major evil to fight, and, as a family, they are really into fighting evil.

We also saw the townspeople try to torch Regina, the Evil Queen, and Rumpelstiltskin send some sort of scary wraith after her. There's a magical medallion that burns its imprint into the hand of its owner working here, too, with flashbacks (or flashes sideways) to The Enchanted Forest and some new characters also wrangling with the same medallion and the same wraith. Those characters are a royal couple (Philip and Aurora) and Mulan, a Chinese warrior who has been fighting alongside Philip. Both girls seem to be enamored of Philip, who has a dangerous run-in with the medallion and the wraith.

In case you're not down with Disney characters, Aurora comes from the 1959 Sleeping Beauty, and she is considered to be No. 3 in the line of princesses they market to young girls, right after Snow White and Cinderella, who already exist in the Once Upon a Time universe. Mulan didn't get the Disney treatment till 1998, when the movie Mulan came out, but she's got her bonafides, too.

The really intriguing thing about this first episode didn't happen till the very end, when we find out that the curse didn't touch a certain corner of Fairytale Land, the corner where Mulan and the Prince were hanging out. They were suspended in time, too, but not swept away to Maine like all the others. But now, when evil Regina does not get offed by the wraith but does get medieval on Emma and Snow, the two of them end up dumped back into that tiny, torn-up corner of Fairytale Land, with Mulan and Aurora ready to smack them down for perceived injuries to Philip.

War of the Women, coming up?

As a season premiere, I didn't feel this episode was really an A+. More like a B-. It wasn't very action-packed, for one thing, and the wraith seemed a bit too much like Harry Potter's Dementors. Not that there's anything wrong with Dementors. It's just that an ogre or a banshee might'vebeen amusing as an alternative.

I did think they did a good job of introducing the new people (Sarah Bolger as Aurora, Jamie Chung as Mulan and Julian Morris as Philip) without losing sight of the old ones, although the mysterious man at the very beginning was a little too mysterious for my taste.Is he Rumpel's son? Henry's bio dad? One and the same? Or somebody else whose identity will be revealed later? Not really enough clues to whet my whistle.

I'd like to see Regina (Lana Parilla) defanged for a bit longer than two seconds, and Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin) and (Josh Dallas) Charming step up and not be so stupid. I'd also prefer Rumpelstiltskin (Robert Carlyle) and Belle (Emilie de Ravin) get it together and create a formidable team rather than fight with each other. We saw a hint at the end that that might happen (plus a chipped mug. Yay, Chip!) as well as Regina back in full-on evil form, while Henry goes home with his granddad, Prince Charming. Kinda sweet. I also appreciated the fact that Snow and Emma (Jennifer Morrison) may have some bonding time while they're stuck in Alterno World. This is, after all, Emma's first taste of Fairytale Land, so it should be fun seeing how she handles it. I also see some parallels between tough girls Mulan and Emma and pretty princesses Aurora and Snow, and it'd be awesome if they all form a kick-ass girl group to go after Regina.

But what about Red Riding Hood, Granny, the Mad Hatter, Jiminy Cricket, Pinocchio and Gepetto, the Seven Dwarves, the Blue Fairy, and all the other characters they set up last season? Not much info there. I guess we have to wait and see.

I liked Once Upon a Time well enough last year to go along for the ride, even if it does take time. But don't try my patience too long, Horowitz and Kitsis. I like some development and relationship changes, too.

On TV: My Faves Are Safe!

Although my TV watching has been spotty at best this season, I have kept up with a few things I've become attached to. So while "House" has dropped off my radar as it winds to a conclusion (love Hugh Laurie, love Robert Sean Leonard, will not watch them kill off Wilson as they wrap up the show 4-Eva) and I decided to quit "The Office" when it and new characters Robert California and Nellie somebody-or-other annoyed me beyond the point of redemption, I have found some new shows I like a lot. As it stands, as pretty much everything on TV pulls out all the stops for May sweeps and their season finales, I think all my faves have now been pronounced safe for new seasons. I will say a small "Hurray!" for that.

On ABC, a network I am still mad at for canceling my soaps (Oh, "One Life to Live," how I miss you!) they've taken a small step back into my good graces by giving me "Once Upon a Time," the show that throws fairytale characters like Rumpelstiltskin, Snow White and her Prince Charming (and even the Mad Hatter, which defies explanation, since "Alice in Wonderland" is not a fairytale) into a small town in Maine, most of them with no memory of their previous lives in magical realms. "Once Upon a Time" has been a big success for ABC on Sunday nights, so it's no surprised it's gotten the official pick-up for next season. Things have gotten good as the curse that trapped them all in Storybrooke, Maine, begins to crack, and I'm all primed for the Season 1 finale on Sunday.

I've also enjoyed "Happy Endings," in its sophomore season as a sort of "Friends" for the New Millennium with a married couple, a black guy and a gay guy. It's funnier to me than "Friends" ever was, it's set in Chicago, and I'm ever so glad it'll be back with new adventures for its sextet of friends. I'm also hoping that daffy Penny, played by Casey Wilson, gets a hot boyfriend next fall. Come ON!

"Scandal," an inside-politics show about a fixer who finds herself knee-deep in muddy waters (Presidential sex scandals! Lies! Rumors! Murder! Adultery! Wiretapping! Psychopathic staffers!) was less of a sure thing that either "Once Upon a Time" or "Happy Endings." Like, a lot less, given that its ratings have been nothing to write home about and it only got a seven-episode first season. But ABC has officially renewed it, too, meaning Kerry Washington (playing PR maven/lawyer Olivia Pope, whose name was referenced at least a hundred times in the pilot) and Tony Goldwyn (the Prez) can continue to heat up the small screen well into the forseeable future.

Way to go, ABC, for keeping these three around!

Over on NBC, home of several good, if seriously under-watched, comedies, I was definitely worried about my fave "Parks and Recreation," which is way too amazing a show to still be struggling in the ratings in its 4th season. Amy Poehler's adorable Leslie Knope just won her race for city council, her adorable boyfriend Ben, played by Adam Scott, has just accepted a position running a campaign in Washington DC (Let's hope he doesn't run into Olivia Pope or any of the criminals she hangs around with!), and Ron Swanson, U of I's own Nick Offerman, declined a promotion of his own. Cliffhangers, people! We need to find out what will happen to Leslie & Co. as they rock Pawnee, Indiana, in the fall. And now we will, with "Parks and Recreation" cleared for 22 episodes in Season 5. This is extremely good news, almost as good as Leslie beating doofus Bobby Newport (Paul Rudd) in that election. I hope we get to see more of the moronic Newport, though.. Rudd was great.

NBC's other Thursday comedy, the equally oddball and equally terrific "Community" has been picked up, too, although only for a 13-episode 4th season. "Community" continues to take chances with its format and storylines, and it deserves to be rewarded for that. So I'll take a 13-episode season if the alternative is no more crazy Community college antics from the world's weirdest (and longest-running) study group. They're never going to graduate, are they? Well, maybe Chevy Chase's character will graduate. Or get killed. Or something. Chase and creator Dan Harmon were feuding as recently as April, so it won't be a surprise if he isn't there when "Community" returns.

While looking over the renewal scorecards out there, I discovered that I don't watch anything on Fox, CBS or the CW. So whatever they're canceling or not canceling, I don't much care. My shows are safe. All is right with the world.

Note that the other shows I like -- including "Downton Abbey" on PBS, "Psych" on the USA Network, and "Leverage" on TBS -- aren't listed because their seasons and networks are different. As far as I know, all three of those will keep keeping on, with "Leverage" airing new episodes in July, "Psych" coming back with another 16-episode season later this year, and the third season of "Downton Abbey" expected to air in the US in January, 2013. I'm also mad for "Mad Men," which is in the middle of its 5th season now, with a 6th season in the works, presumably to air beginning in '13.